What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
13.06.2025 10:29
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Why do I keep waking up at 4 AM?
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
All the time i was locked up.
What did i know ?
What do flat Earthers think causes the "magical downward force"?
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I think the readers, may guess!
When did you realize that your childhood was not normal?
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Why is there so much evil in the world?
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Which is the correct Tamil New Year, Thai-1 or Chithirai-1?
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Was to survive, this bastard.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
But ive been too sick for many years..
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Would you date/marry a guy younger than you? If no, why not?
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
How do I seduce a maid for sex?
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
We all went to grammer schools
I could never make a relationship work though!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
She married twice! .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Especially a lifetime of it.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I waited trembling.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
My family never makes their pension either.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
She loved him until the end.
So whats the point in blame.
She wouldn,t have been !
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I was very sick at this time too.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
So, i spoilt her more .
And i lived it daily.
Why did i forgive my father ?
This is how, and why children get BPD.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I was scared of men, in general
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
He resisted the act ,that day.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
But it wasn’t much.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I have no regrets .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I couldn’t, believe it.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
My mum and dad in the seventies!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
This is soul school!.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
When she asked me how she looked .
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I was seconnd youngest,
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
He knew the spot.
She found it foreign!.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I write beautiful poetry .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Im still living with it.
Who then, do I blame.?
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
One cannot live in the past .
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Ive learnt so much.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I had hoped to write a book about this .
She was in good health!
I will be 64.
But, we were locked up after school.
I never cut or harmed myself..
It was going to be , some day.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Would this be the day?
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Put me off passion for life!!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
We were not on the streets..
I don,t even have a pension.
My life is so biszare .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I said to her
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Comes on , in middle age.
I was 9 years of age.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!